life or something like it

that's the way it goes, it'll all work out

2006-09-30T14:55:00.000-07:00

on the first cold morning of the year, my heart beats faster than it has in a long time. Fall makes me feel like I have really important things to do. Makes me look like I’m in a hurry. Maybe that’s because when you put a jacket on, you look like you’re going somewhere or something.

sometimes when I listen to a sad song, the only thing I can do is to listen to it again and again until it isn’t sad anymore
kind of like saying a word over and over until it doesn’t make sense anymore.
love, love, love, love, love

noticing that tom petty capitalizes on writing about being a jerk a lot of times (which of course, doesn’t make me love him any less) I guess it’s really not about being good ,it’s more like being good at capitalizing at what you can do. Spose if being good was all that mattered, I’d be in a bit of trouble. Which do you think matters more, being good or being nice? I know they overlap, but I feel it’s easier to decide you are going to be a nice person than to decide you are going to be a good person. I guess I think of nice as something you show people. And being good is something you show yourself? Maybe I’ll start with nice, and if that works out, next I’ll try being good.

scrubs

2006-06-16T16:56:00.001-07:00

no, not the deliciously witty half hour television broadcast starring the lovable zach braff, whose imagination and big schnozz are delightful in a marry-me kind of way, but the actual medical "uniform." wait, excuse me, the "every-man" uniform. teachers wear them. waitresses wear them. uh. daycare...workers.. wear them (or, actually, somebody fill me in, is this just a south GA phenomenon where all these different people are wearing them?) and soon, as a nurse, i'll have to start wearing them too. but why? "OOHH because they're SO comfortable!!" you say. but no, you're wrong. they're not actually that comfortable, and the material they're made of is cheap and itchy. so they look and feel horrible. and apparently they only come in "scooby-doo." and what's so great about him, anyway.

it's not a fish that you can catch

2006-02-27T19:31:00.000-08:00

more things i have learned february edition

Sometimes people are just happier being sad
Don't ever wait to call or write someone.
I believe in spirits.
I will never understand money.
I am so much more like my mom than I ever thought possible.
I should take better care of my teeth.
I am almost always more interested in strangers than they are in me (I also remember EVERYONE I meet, but rarely does someone who met me once remember me.)

sicky mcSnotnose

2005-12-28T09:34:00.000-08:00

today woke up as sick as ever. i have been sick for approximately three weeks now. i feel like someone has jammed sharp sticks in my ears, nose, and throat. my dad gave me some pretty sweet late christmas presents (CDs), so i decided i'd take my cd player outside to lay in the sun and check them out, hoping maybe the sunshine might suck some of the sick juice out of my head.
well nuts to you, out of doors, because you sent a friggen bee to sting me while i was innocently dozing off in my chaise lounge. i couldn't believe that nature would be so spiteful. so i came back inside where it's safe.

see, this is the kind of thing i want to see when i go outside.

If I could find my way back home, where would I go?

2005-10-24T10:50:00.000-07:00

i enjoy a challenge. usually, my best moments are achieved under pressure. so that is why i decided to try, even though there was only a week left to participate, after my sister called to encourage me to send in a 3minute tape to the food network for their contest to have six episodes of your very own cooking show. i had a great concept, but i just couldn't seem to get it all out on tape. my dessert (southern comfort poundcake, my own recipe) turned out great, one of the best i've ever made. i don't get that nervous. i run my mouth in class. i'm really hilarious at times. i can give speeches (since i've been in college). but why oh why, doesn't any of that translate onto camera? i love cooking shows, i watch them all the time. i even used to pretend to have one when i was a little kid. i'm not sure which was harder--putting the effort in, or believing that it was worth it to put the effort in (was it really possible to get any type of return?)agh. watching myself on that tape was painful. i was someone i would never want to watch. i'm just not sure i could ever be any different. i hated to give up, but there must be a better use for my talents somewhere. i guess i'm just better behind the scenes.

all fun and games til someone gets hurt

2005-10-10T12:17:00.000-07:00

"Mine Kills Brunswick Marine in Iraq" said the newspaper.
yeah, a friend called and told me earlier that morning.
http://www.newsobserver.com/nation_world/iraq/story/2810035p-9254531c.html
he graduated from my highschool. his little sister was in my class.
i remember when he came and spoke about his experience in the marines in one of our friday morning chapels.
he just graduated from sniper school, my friends attented his "congratulations" dinner just a few months ago.
he was driving a humvee on a combat mission and ran over a landmine. he had a girlfriend in north carolina who was waiting for him to come home. i can't imagine how she feels right now. my thoughts and prayers are with her.
how many more of these stories do i have to hear, how many more american families will lose a father or son? I thought we lost enough on 9/11.

Well it wasn't me says the boy with the gun
sure i pulled the trigger but it needed to be done
because life's been killin' me ever since it begun
you cant blame me cause i'm too young

You cant blame me, sure the killer was my son
but I didn't teach him to pull the trigger of the gun
It's the killing on his TV screen
You can't blame me, it's those images he sees

Well, You can't blame me says the media man
Well I wasn't the one that came up with the plan
and I just point my camera what the people wanna see
man it's a two way mirror and you can't blame me

You can't blame me says the singer of the song
or the maker of the movie which he based his life on
It's only entertainment and as anyone can see
it's smoke machines and make-up, man, you can't fool me

It was you
it was me
it was every man
We all got the blood on our hands
we only receive what we demand
And if we want hell then hell is what well have

And I would turn on the TV
but it's so embarrassing
to see all the other people
don't even know what they mean
and it was magic at first
but let every one down
Now this world is gonna hurt
You better turn it around
turn it around

meanwhile, back at the ranch

2005-08-23T19:25:00.000-07:00

nino ciccone owns a ranch. he's italian born, probably catholic, and loves cows, horses, and most of all, bullriding.
"mtv was coming" he said.
i worked with nino's wife a few times at the long co. elementary school. the editor at the coastal courier called my mom and told her to go over there and do a story. i skipped class, later wrestling over whether it was really worth it, to go along and take pictures. nino talks alot. he likes to talk about bullriding, he likes to talk about the ranch, and he really likes to talk about his philosophy on parenting.
"i tell my kids no, they listen and do what i say the first time" he says.
yep, until you can't see 'em anymore. he has big sparkly blue eyes that make him seem like he could read your thoughts. he wants everyone to have a good time.
will is a cowboy. he wears a pink shirt, chaps, red and white cowboy boots, and a cross around his neck. he is known as the craziest bullrider of them all. he rides the toughest bulls. i watched him sit on a bull who tried to jump out of the bullpen and into the stands. his buddy rusty has a foul mouth but a sweet spirit. he couldn't and woudln't do the things i do every day, and vice versa. will and rusty both walk like they've always had a bull between their legs.
ryan dunn (who smokes parliaments, if anyone wanted to know) and his tour crew were incidental to the event. they were all attractive, but the way they chainsmoked and drank their way through the afternoon, they ensured that certainly wouldn't last long. ryan dunn wasn't allowed to ride a bull for insurance purposes, but the camera and road crew did. of course, it was much more entertaining to watch the real bullriders. local yokels looked on, some i knew, some i didn't.
one of the most fascinating parts of the afternoon is when i watched my mom interview mike corolla, the tour manager for dunn and don vito's rock night. he talked about stringing up people by their underwear and kicking people in the balls just for fun. she remained professional throughout the interview. we missed it in person, but later saw the video of two crew members, will the professional, and kevin, the singer from an atlanta rock band sitting at a card table waiting for a raging bull to be let out. last man sitting won. we came back and will showed us a large purple and red mark on his side where got grazed by the bull. kevin won. they celebrated with the four cases a drunken will had just come back with. we left.

pay it forward

2005-08-05T17:18:00.000-07:00

when did i become this responsible? or maybe just placed with this many responsibilities. last month, i made arrangements and purchased plane tickets for me and my mom with plastic. after i handled an emergency situation, we missed our first flight, so i got the ticket lady to switch our tickets. i checked us in and booked our hotel rooms. i navigated unfamiliar highways. i drove uninsured when my mom started to fall asleep. no, i don't want a cookie, i just want to know when i start taking care of her? it crept up so slowly i barely noticed. sure, she still sure as hell takes care of me. just as sure as hell as i still need it. but the things i never thought i would have to do, i'm doing now. like stopping at the mcdonalds where my grandfather would always take us on trips back and forth to atlanta from south georgia. this time i was ordering the food and helping grandmother decide what to get. pumping gas while she waited on me. she talks about my grandfather more when we make that trip to atlanta. i guess she can't help but be reminded. he hated "catsup" but loved mcdonalds french fries. i'm reminded too when i think of how he used to take care of me. i took care of him in his last days, making sure he'd swallow his pills concealed in a spoonful of marmalade. reading to him like he'd read to me. of course he did way more for me then i ever could have done for him, but i'm hoping i'll invest that much in someone else sometime not very far from now.

2005-07-23T09:26:00.000-07:00

i know how it feels to cheat death. well, maybe someone else cheated it for me. while a girl of my same age and background-the daughter of my parents' very close friends lies unconcious in a hospital bed with broken bones from a car accident, i've climbed out of my twisted truck without a scratch. why her and not me? why did i put my seatbelt on minutes before the accident? why didn't i stay one more minute in the store and come to the usually dead residential intersection when there was no one in sight? well, there really was no one 'in sight' because i couldn't see them coming until it was too late.
for the fraction of a second that i was hanging upside down in my seatbelt as the top of the cab was on the ground, i knew that my time on earth had come to an end. that was it, i thought. it felt like hours, and i really did, as they say, see my life flash before my eyes. i could see navy blue and flowers from the wedding i'd just flown home from. i could smell wine and hear violins and laughter. i was dead and there wasn't anything else. i didn't hear the sound of the crash until i'd rolled 360 and was back on four tires. the EMS man could see that i wasn't hurt. just crying uncontrolably. in a world where people get offended so easily, i was glad he knew i needed to hear the words he said to be. "be thankful. it's just an old piece of steel. God was watching you. Pray with me now and thank Him you're alive."

two down, four to go

2005-07-15T13:48:00.000-07:00

i had planned on trying to do it anyway, but it was nice to get a shove/request from john to go ahead and write this stuff down.

as soon as i got to the airport, i wished i had packed lighter. i have this attachment to clothes though, especially when i'm going out of town. i have to overpack because i want options. i always feel that if i am not wearing the right outfit, i won't be having as much fun. is there something wrong with me? anyway, when my mom and i got to boston and finally into our rental car, my shoulders and arms were very very sore. this was not a good way to start out. towards the end of the drive to vermont from boston, my mom, tired as she was, could not seem to stay on the road. i happened to be on the phone with my sister and brother at one of these times. my mother said "i wasn't running off the road, the pavement just ended!" after that my brother john began praying out loud for us in the middle of the airport sports bar where he was laid over. it was time, though i was not on the insurance, to take the wheel.
we made it there and the next morning i was immediately put to work. sara had these detailed programs worked up that involved meticulous cutting, tying of ribbons and such. it was ok though because i didn't really feel like talking, so i holed up in the corner and helped her get the job done. the rehearsal went fine for me, but i worried about aerating the lawn with my heels. i guess everyone else did it too so it was ok. i had arranged the rehearsal dinner at a local pancake restaurant that has over 80 varieties of pancakes. everyone really seemed to enjoy this even though some were skeptical at first. it should have been a sign for what was to come when i had already started crying, even before the sharing of fond memories time. i really had something in mind and wanted to share it, but couldn't hold it together long enough to stand up and get words out.
sara had arranged for the mothers of the bride and all of the bridesmaids to go to a spa the day before the wedding. her mother malo is a very busy lady and exclaimed that all of this relaxing was making her uncomfortable. i enjoyed myself.
for some reason, it didn't occur to me until the liquor was right in front of me that i would have the chance to get smashed during the weekend. john had cuervo and margarita mix and was more than willing to share. i definitely got drunk. it was one of the nicest feeling drunks i've ever had, though. i just felt like i was swimming through outer space. i also enjoy seeing other people drunk who i don't normally see in this state. good family time was had that night. the next morning, i got dressed for the wedding and got in the car. we hadn't even pulled out of the parking lot before i started crying. i cried the whole way to the wedding, cried my makeup off, and didn't quit til about 15 minutes before it was time to get started. i managed to make it through with minimal crying, until the end when john, the best man and our oldest brother, made his toast. his heartfelt words were more than i could take and the waterworks started again.
i, like my brother, had to stop on the mountain road to empty my stomach, if you will. i guess i wasn't exactly camoflauged in my long blue bridesmaids dress, and some carousing vermont boys in a pickup truck stopped to make some crass comments about what a night i must have had.
the recepttion was really nice, although my stomach would not allow me to eat as much as i really wanted to, and i definitely couldn't drink anything. my overzealous dancing, as wonderfully fun as it was,unfortunately caught up to me the next day and the next and even the next. i started to cry again when it was time for thomas to leave. i guess everything just hadn't hit me at all until that weekend. the real fun, although we all wished that thomas could have been there, didn't start until after the wedding. it was a nice change because this time, i wasn't drunk and everyone else was. my cousin who is from the north began speaking in a southern accent. my cousin from the south talked about honeysuckle for at least ten minutes. a good time was had by all and i was able to laugh and laugh and remember the whole thing. it was a great weekend, but i sure am glad to be sleeping in my own bed.

coffee talk

2005-06-27T16:13:00.000-07:00

my mom and i were in the barnes and noble starbucks on saturday. this is probably the most eventful time i have ever had in a place like that. we had just gotten some coffee and were sitting down. i saw a dad and daughter get up and leave. i later noticed the daughter left her vera bradley (i know these handbags are popular, but ugh) under the table. i grabbed it and ran to catch her before she went back into the main part of the mall where i was sure to lose her in the crowd. i handed it to her and all she looked was surprised, barely managed a thank you, and almost ran off. if this had been me, i would have gushed. maybe that's just how i am; although i may not always be overly nice or outgoing, i am grateful. hmm.

we were so tired, and maybe anything would have made us laugh just then, but there was this especially cute little brown haired girl, probably 4 years old or so in a dora the explorer stroller with some crazy pink and purple mask/headdress/almost tiara on her face/head. she was also wearing some enormous plastic gloves that had pink and purple webbed fins. (i later realized it was a "lava girl" of "shark boy and lava girl" costume). she was just waving her hands around and sitting in that seat and saying adorable kid things. we were watching her and just laughing and laughing. her mom and dad looked at us like "yeah...we don't know either." I think we appreciated it way more than they did. anyway, the mom gets up to order something, and as if it wasn't enough for me to admire his adorably cute daughter in the mask and sparkly webbed gloves, the macho dad grabs them and puts them on. my mom was right, macho-dad. it was never the mask.

Can't you smell that smell

2005-06-26T16:50:00.000-07:00

he grew up listening to lynyrd skynyrd. when he was little, he and his uncle james would go fishing. this meant that uncle james would drink beer, and he would fish, but they would both listen to uncle james'extensive lynyrd skynyrd collection. he liked the allman brothers, too.

I grew up listening to christian music. there is alot of good christian music out there, and I know I was listening to some of the best. it wasn't til much later that I discovered lynyrd skynyrd. this was during a year spent in rural south Georgia with no social life and almost nothing to be entertained with except Kazaa.
my dad taught me the main riff to "midnight rider" by the allman brothers on guitar that same year. i remember hearing "soulshine" and "whipping post" from one of my older brothers around the same time, too.

it was his birthday so i decided to get tickets to see lynyrd skynyrd and the allman brothers in savannah. some may ask:
"why would you want to subject yourself to a bunch of old tired guys, most of whom aren't even the original members of the bands?"
to that i will say it's because they're still legendary, and at least they picked the right people to replace them; derek trucks is a flippin awesome guitarist.
the opener was a man named jefferey steele. you don't know his name, but you do know his songs. he's written music you hear on country radio right now, like "the cowboy in me" by tim mcgraw or "my town" (i think montgomery gentry?)and tons more. he could really sing, but i guess he just didn't have "the face" for country stardom?
during the break, we played count and classify the mullets, and the "oh, too bad i forgot to wear my..." game. if we saw more than a few people wearing the same thing, then example: "too bad i forgot to wear my pink cowboy hat" or "too bad i forgot to wear my camo overalls and orange tee" or "too bad i forgot to wear my fringed leather vest with no tee," etc. there were some of the most country people i had ever seen in my life, and the town i live in is joked about for its stereotypical country reputation all over the state. actually just the other day i told someone where i was from and he said he was surprised i had all my teeth. that was stupid. but anyways, the people there made the concert more fun just to see how into it they got, and how excited they were.
lynyrd skyrnyd played everything you would have wanted them to play and mostly stayed away from their new stuff. during "sweet home alabama" i've never heard any crowndsing along so loud and hard as when they sing " i hope neil young will remember/a southern man don't need him around anyway"
one of their new songs is extremely patriotic, and before they sang it, they dedicated it to the troops in iraq and let down a big curtain that revealed a even bigger American flag. i have to admit i was teary eyed, especially when i thought about the many friends i have over there fighting. skynyrd still has their original piano/keyboard player, and he really does a great job rocking that giant white piano out.
the allman brothers played a whole different ballgame. it was still southern rock, but it was extremely understated. they just rocked out, but they didn't talk or try to explain anything. i really really liked it for the first hour, but i have to admit, after the 27th or so minute of "Jessica," I was worn out. I can't imagine how Derek Trucks felt.They really did do a great job though, and opening with Statesboro Blues was a nice move. Gregg Allman's voice sounded a little tired, but he was great on the Wurlitzer. all in all it was a really nice evening, and i am glad i got

a love without end, amen

2005-05-08T12:35:00.000-07:00

kinda copped this format from woog's last blog, slightly different. here's a list of some really important things i've learned...from my mom.

-boys chase girls
-pets are people, too
-beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy
-sometimes it takes a child to teach the most important things in life
-like mother, like daughter. sometimes.
-people in rock and roll bands really are bad news
-during the day,spend more time outside than you do inside
-garbagemen are much more important than lawyers, doctors, or michael jordan
-public education is a sham that drugs kids to fit a flawed system
-there are a million different kinds of smart

Happy Mother's Day, Mom

looking out on the substitute scene, still going strong, XO mom

2005-04-24T18:20:00.000-07:00

can i just say that i really love sea scallops?

in other news, this weekend was great. i totally partied down with the family and had some good times. being around my older cousins sometimes helps me to understand things that happen in our family alot better. it's like i can see a projection of myself from 4, 7, even 10 years into the future when i talk to each one of them. they're all kind of at a different place in their lives, but we all have a similar way of thinking. it's nice to have a perspective on things from someone you know grew up almost exactly the same way you did. in comparision, though, it would be really nice to have the perspective of an outsider that i could trust as much as i do my own family. those people for me have been few and far between, especially considering a few fiascos mentioned (and some not mentioned) in previous blogs. is that so much to ask? i think when i move to savannah maybe it will be easier. there's something in the water here, i swear. people who don't trust aren't trustworthy.

run with me, wherever i go, just play dumb, whatever you know

2005-04-17T16:15:00.000-07:00

....you wreck me, baby.

what is it about certain people that attracts you to them, even when you know good and well they're sooo bad for you? you may not even be anywhere close to yourself around them. in fact, they may even make you the worst version of yourself. but there is something, something that draws you to them, compels you to bend until they're happy, and makes you fear them. i wonder if i ever had that effect on anyone? i really think not, but i guess you can never tell. i don't want to be that guy. i hate that guy. he smells.

(artist's rendering)

well if you wanted honesty that's all you had to say

2005-04-12T21:18:00.000-07:00

does anyone tell the truth anymore? especially when it comes to breaking up. i really don't think so. how many people can honestly say they told their significant other the "real reason" why they were dropping them? maybe people wouldn't have so many relationship problems if for once someone actually told it like it was. cut the bullshit for gosh's sakes.

sunday

2005-04-10T11:19:00.002-07:00

Today I learned that the best way to get to know someone is to go to church with them. See who they talk to. See who talks to them. See how they talk to eachother. Do they sing the hymns? Do they read along with the invocation? Do they bow their head? Do they throw some money in the offering plate? Have they memorized the Apostles' creed, the Doxology, etc?
Hold up, stop, make sure you read the rest and don't get me wrong. I am certainly not saying that if they haven't done these things, that it is necessarily bad or good, wrong or right. In fact, I would be more wary of perfect church behavior. Somewhere in the middle is fine with me. These are not things you can check off of a list, this is no points-based system.
But you will know them better after that than after any date.

dance just to dance in three-quarter time

2005-04-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

I'm home now from my extended tour of the Floridian peninsula, its outlying islands, and the southern Georgia coast. It was really quite nice and I am glowing golden. Being a redhead, this is something that is certainly an accomplishment. It was really one of the best times ever...spent time with family, watched brother be rockstar, saw many magical men, including a homeless wizard on a bicycle in Key West. I also saw quite a few of a very sad group of people. This group is the leathery skinned 30-40something bar women. They have bleach blonde hair and too much makeup. Every man knows their name. They hang on all of them. They aren't hookers, but they would probably go home with you if you wanted them to.

Down at the bar a woman tells stories

Batting her eyes to someone not there

Her glass is half full or maybe half empty

Like the jokes told about her when they think she can't hear

Now the perfume is cheap

and the makeup is careless

And the dress out of fashion for a woman her age

But she don't give a damn for those who would cherish

A much lighter step and a much younger face

And love's never easy or ever as true

When the changing of partners is no longer new

-MCC

when you're riding 18 hours and...

2005-04-03T21:15:00.000-07:00

my brother thomas and i decided to take a trip down to the keys this past weekend. from the beginning of our trip, we just kept getting more than we bargained for in many areas. for one thing, by the time we got to key west, i had already been in 6 different vehicles in order to get there (mom's car, brother's , various airport shuttles, random chevy silverado, etc.) what was also more than we bargained for was the amount of time it took to get there (an d due to forest fires and other things, getting back took a long time too.) the trip was amazing, and i may go into more details about that at another time, but here's something we came up with while sitting in a traffic jam somewhere near palm beach.

This is the greatest and best rockstar in the world

(tribute)

spirit power of Ed Kowalczyk
head of Jim Morrison
torso of Lenny Kravitz
fingers of Jimi Hendrix
sonic libido of Robert Plant
vocal range of Chris Cornell
sagacity of Eddie Vedder
tortured soul of Kurt Cobain
detachment of Tom Petty (while somehow still having the
codependency of Adam Duritz)
musical architecture of Moby
problem free Jamaicanness of Bob Marley
crashing piano of Ben Folds
moves of Michael Jackson'
poetry of Bob Dylan
red white and blue blood of Bruce Springsteen
versatility of Ryan Adams
sincerity of Bryan Adams
mystery of Thom Yorke
compassion of Bono